10/27/06 Part Two – THE BAD...

as i walked towards the N/R station, i called the friend i was supposed to meet for the Love is All show. let’s call her, ‘G.’ G has no cell phone, which can’t be a constant nuisance to only myself. as usual, there was no answer at her apt, so i left a detailed message, saying that it was 9:38 and i would meet her at broadway new fancy food at 10:20pm. we had already decided this beforehand and i even responded to the email she sent me earlier in the day to confirm it. i stopped by an Eckerd’s for a bottle of soda that wasn’t watered down. damn, it was good. on the subway ride to canal and broadway, i was already thinking about the food i would order at the meetup place i picked, but had never been to. you’ll soon realize why i hope to never go back.

broadway new fancy food is on leonard street just four or so blocks down broadway from canal. it was pretty easy to find, which was a good thing since the rain had picked up and i then had to use my umbrella. it was 10:22 when i showed up, but G wasn’t around. (funny thing… as i was walking towards the place, i coulda swore i heard a girl shout out, ‘priscilla p!,’ which is what G sometimes calls me. i looked up and a trio of girls were on the other side of the street, one of them waving her hand in the air. so i waved back, thinking it was G w/ some friends. nope! it was just some chicks trying to hail a cab. i still have no idea if they noticed me, but i continued my walk in embarrassment.) i sat on the covered stoop outside for a smoke and to call her apt again. still no answer. i figured it was pointless to leave another message, so i didn’t. i finished my Eckerd’s soda and went back inside to look around more.

inside the deli/market, i walked around a bit but quickly found a spot in front of the food counter to stand in semi-permanently after realizing i was being watched. i hate that. it wasn’t even a suspicious ‘what’s she up to?’ kind of watch, i just don’t like eyes following me. i had my mind set on some sort of grilled chicken blt wrap, but the grill seemed to be closed. the guys who worked there were just standing around waiting to serve people, but i hate that more than workers being too busy to notice you. i was too shy to ask about the grill and draw attention to myself, then took so long deciding if i wanted a turkey sandwich or not that i just lost any courage altogether. i figured i’d buy some chips or something. so i went to the back of the store, but nothing got my gastric juices bubbling. i think i was in a mixed state of confusion, worry, and anger that kept me from realizing how hungry i was. but i did buy G a bag of soy chips so she’d have something to eat real quick when she showed up. by then it was around 10:40pm. i called her apt again. still no answer. so i went outside for another smoke. maybe she didn’t get the phone message, but she should’ve known to check for my email reply, right? so i decided to see if she was waiting for me outside of the knitting factory instead. it, too, was on leonard street, so wouldn’t that have been something if we were both in the area waiting for each other. of course, leonard street had to be under construction like all hell. and it’s still raining. yay. i saw the people hanging outside the venue for the same show i was to see and suddenly got pumped. woo hoo, love is all! but… no sign of G there either. okay, fuck this… there had to be a mcdonalds in the area for a quick mcnugget fix before i went back to the broadway deli. instead of being smart and walking back towards canal, i decided to walk away from it towards chambers street. i did find a mcdonalds, but it had closed for the night. drat. i must have circled the same four blocks enough for people to think i was crazy and still didn’t find a cheap place to grab a hot food item… or that wasn’t a starbucks. i wanted to keep passing the deli in case G was just very late, but it turns out she wouldn’t be showing up at all. i finally stopped back there at 11:05pm and called her apt again. this time some guy picked up before the machine did. i think it was her boyfriend. the same boyfriend i hadn’t met yet, but did send a birthday card to earlier this month when i couldn’t make it to the party G invited me to. i asked him if G was there and he said something to the effect of, ‘um… yeah?’ then he asked who i was as if i had just told him the world would end if he didn’t kill a blue baby ox within the next ten minutes. i told him who i was and again asked if G was there, but more hurriedly. he said, ‘yeah.’ and i said, ‘still?! why hasn’t she left yet?’ and he said, ‘oh, i was supposed to call you. i don’t think she’s coming. she’s passed out.’ i was so fuckin’ pissed off at that very fuckin’ moment that i’m getting pissed off now as i type this. okay, i just took a ciggie drag so i’ll continue.

i was so pissed that i momentarily didn’t care that she wasn’t showing up, just that i wasn’t told sooner. i withheld my cursing and asked why he didn’t call me when he knew he should have. he said it was because he had passed out too. i forget exactly what i said to him after that pathetic explanation, but i know i sarcastically thanked him for not calling and then hung up. instead of picking up physical tickets for the show like i asked her to, G ordered them online and they were under her name w/ some credit card number i didn’t have. i just wanted the night to be over with anyway so i didn’t even care to try buying my own ticket at the door that was just a block away. it was 11:11 so maybe i could catch the 11:41 train home.

oh, did anybody who's now reading this also read my previous myspace post about the throwing muses show last august? you may remember me mentioning how my night was ruined when i had to tend to a friend of mine who was wasted. that friend was G. this isn’t the first time she’s let me down, folks, but i’m not about to list every time she’s wronged me on this page. i’m just citing that last instance to give you an idea why this was the last straw.

i didn’t want to spend money on a cab, so i decided to take the canal street N/R to herald square knowing that the two or so blocks i’d still have to walk could be what made me miss the train. as i walked back up to canal in the rain, i didn’t use my umbrella. i didn’t really wish to be rained on, but i was just pissed and didn’t care. i even stopped along the way to sit down on a different stoop and call another ‘friend’ of mine that i hadn’t seen since that same throwing muses show. if she had picked up, i would have cried like mad and incoherently babbled nonsense that she could only respond to with ‘uh huh’s, ‘oh’s, or ‘i’m sorry’s' without any other word in edgewise. but she didn’t answer, so we were both spared. i stood back up and lit another cigarette for the rest of the walk. i didn’t use the umbrella on my way to Penn from herald square either. i remember thinking that if someone asked me why i was just holding it, i would tell them ‘everything’s broken.’ anger had turned to sadness. surprisingly, though, i did make the 11:41 train just as it was boarding final passengers. which normally would have brightened me up a bit. that rarely happens. i can’t remember the last time i got home before 3am from the city, but the reason i did last night sucks.

did i mention that the mp3 player i bought 2 ½ months ago stopped working the second i walked onto a manhattan street that night? well, it did. it started buzzing and now i can’t turn it off or do anything else. so i didn’t even have music to distract me from my thoughts during the ride home. someone i recently met reminded me that bad nights in nyc are a lot worse than other nights because you still have that long ride home to dwell in. she was right. god knows how badly i wished i had a knife on me or that you could still smoke in the vestibules like in the old days. i got teary-eyed a few times, but i went numb somewhere between the stops at secaucus and linden and just stopped thinking completely. when i got to my car in the new brunswick parking deck, i just sat in it for a while since there was time on the clock before i’d have to pay for another hour. i eventually left, but even in the rain, i didn’t go home right away. i just drove around. my train had gotten in at 12:45. and despite living about 15 minutes away, i didn’t get home until 1:30. which is probably good. the depression i sunk into had passed and any urge i had to harm myself was gone. see? i do make the right decisions sometimes. even if i have to waste expensive gas to do it.

i kinda hoped all that walking in the rain would make me sick today, but i was done with water for the night so i went to bed without taking a bath. and i didn’t care that i was still hungry. fortunately, i’ve gotten better with eating my sorrows away too. however, i did check my email before finally going to sleep. as you can tell, the internet is habit i can’t break just yet.

i’ll get to the final part of this post tomorrow. it’s late. time for sleep. and, yes, i already took my bath.