10/27/06 Part Three - THE UGLY.

well, it’s sunday. i was sick yesterday and still am, but not bedridden the way i wanted to be. just a little cold. but it’s okay. i chose this. all i wanted was some other reason to feel crappy and now i have it. i haven’t done a damn thing today except this and, earlier, force myself to eat soup. but i think i’ll weather through the harsh wind outside to get some Theraflu just in case (note pun). if i recall correctly, one of the patients coming into work tomorrow just underwent another round of chemo and i don’t wanna risk the chance of my germies gettin’ her.

so… i sent G an email before i logged on here. thank heaven she wasn’t my only reason for coming into the city friday night. or else i would’ve been meaner in my choice of words. i’m a hopeless romantic when it comes to my friends and she is no exception. it’s heartrending to keep going through the same bullshit with G over and over. she always apologizes and i always forgive her, but not this time. not that i even got an apology this time. two days later, i still haven’t heard from her. i know she’s not, dare i say it… dead… because i would feel it. so i have to believe that she was just so beyond wasted that she forgot friday night entirely and thinks we did see each other but can’t remember it. but that doesn’t make sense either. i don’t feel like trying to wrap my brain around it. i’m no stranger to people close to me having addictions. eventually you reach that point where you have to push them away and not be there for them to rely on or bail them out. the ‘rock bottom/tough love’ approach isn’t my favorite, but that’s what it’s come to. i hope it works. i really do.

gee… one by one, all my nyc and college friends seem to be flaking out on me. i hope this trend is nearing its end. seriously. is it me? i haven’t changed. everyone else seems to be changing for the worse. it’s probably me. what the fuck’s wrong w/ me? maybe i should crawl outta my cozy, little anti-social bubble and make more jersey friends. no, that won’t happen either. we’ll see. i can’t seem to control any other aspect of my life, and i’ve been trying too hard lately to hold on to relationships where i was the only one still participating. which sucks. i need someone to be there for me too, but not every one of our friends is the one to talk to about certain things. we each have a role and we each know different things that maybe the others aren’t meant to know. it’s weird how that is. i was going through a very bad time… i can’t remember exactly when, so i’ll just say… a couple of years ago when i cut off communication from everyone. people kept calling and emailing and trying to find out from my mother if i was still alive. i know now how great they are, but of course i didn’t care at the time. didn’t care that they loved me. or that i CAN talk to some of them about anything if i really wanted to. but i don’t. most of them have never held that role for me. i’ve hidden the dark side from them and opening them up to it now just wouldn’t feel natural. so now i don’t have that shoulder to hang my head on when it’s too heavy for me to hold up on my own. and i’m still trying not to revert back to my old habits. so i HAVE to get rid of G. for my own sake. and that’s what i sent her this:

“i really can’t take your shit any more. i really can’t. and don’t ever tell your fucking boyfriend to make a phone call meant for me that you should be the one to make. cuz that phone call will never happen. i’m assuming he was too wasted not to inform you of last night's phone exchange. i won’t bother going into my long, rainy night of worry and anger. do you even know what happened last night or do you just not care? i know you’re not one to not care, so i hope you’re not in trouble. but get some fuckin’ help. i know you’ve tried to better yourself, but maybe now’s the time to try again. i’m sick of crying every time i come back from seeing you (or, in some cases, NOT seeing you). i have enough to cry about, but i’ve been pretty good with that lately. the last time i truly cried was two months ago… during and after the throwing muses show with YOU. hearing you tell me you’ve stopped certain habits but behaving differently is heartbreaking. you make me cry. and half of the time, crying makes me want to ------------, which i’ve been even better about these days than with the tears. this doesn’t seem overly dramatic even to me. cuz it’s the truth. the bottom line is that i need to not be around you for a while for my own sake. you know i’m having a tough time at home and look forward to going to shows or seeing my friends or doing anything to get away from it all. it’s not that i don’t mind worrying about you. friends do that. but i can only do so much worrying before i want to bash my fuckin’ head into a wall just for the physical pain to distract me from an emotional one. god knows how badly i want to ----------- sometimes, but i try to remember that things really aren’t any better after i ---------- despite me feeling better. ------------. i try to think of my niece and how i wouldn’t know what to say to a 4 year old who asks about the scars i have. i wouldn’t know what to say to her because children take things so literally and i don’t have a good enough explanation for her just yet. ‘aunt p doesn’t know how to handle her depression sometimes’ just doesn’t sound like a reason that would end the conversation right then and there.

every loss takes time and tears to get over. i’m pretty sure i’ve hit my tears quota when it comes to you, so right now… i just need time. time without you in my life. i’m not completely dismissing you. but just thinking about how often you disappoint me could set off an enragement. so please don’t call my cell phone. i won’t answer. and for your own sake, do NOT call my home number. and don’t leave messages. i won’t listen. don’t email. i won’t read them. i’ll get back to you when i think i can handle you better. i know i’m going to miss you cuz i miss you already. but I’d rather not see you at all than see you the way you are now. just take care of yourself. i hope you get this, but don’t reply. just get better. do whatever it takes to get better. i’m trying to do the same. i hope to return to our friendship sooner than later. but for now, as cruel and selfish as it may sound, i just need you to leave me alone. you owe me more than that.”

so that's that. to top it all off, i’m stuck with the bag of soy chips i got her. i wouldn't eat that shit on fear factor. anybody want it? it’s lying on my bed. maybe i'll hand it out for halloween. hmm, why don't i donate an expired can of peas to a food drive while i'm at it? fine, i'll just throw the chips out. it'll be symbolic.


ETA: it's sunday night. i know for a FACT that G is up and running. but she still never bothered to call me before i sent that email, which was all of yesterday and earlier today. i officially wash my hands clean of this mess... NOW.

10/27/06 Part Two – THE BAD...

as i walked towards the N/R station, i called the friend i was supposed to meet for the Love is All show. let’s call her, ‘G.’ G has no cell phone, which can’t be a constant nuisance to only myself. as usual, there was no answer at her apt, so i left a detailed message, saying that it was 9:38 and i would meet her at broadway new fancy food at 10:20pm. we had already decided this beforehand and i even responded to the email she sent me earlier in the day to confirm it. i stopped by an Eckerd’s for a bottle of soda that wasn’t watered down. damn, it was good. on the subway ride to canal and broadway, i was already thinking about the food i would order at the meetup place i picked, but had never been to. you’ll soon realize why i hope to never go back.

broadway new fancy food is on leonard street just four or so blocks down broadway from canal. it was pretty easy to find, which was a good thing since the rain had picked up and i then had to use my umbrella. it was 10:22 when i showed up, but G wasn’t around. (funny thing… as i was walking towards the place, i coulda swore i heard a girl shout out, ‘priscilla p!,’ which is what G sometimes calls me. i looked up and a trio of girls were on the other side of the street, one of them waving her hand in the air. so i waved back, thinking it was G w/ some friends. nope! it was just some chicks trying to hail a cab. i still have no idea if they noticed me, but i continued my walk in embarrassment.) i sat on the covered stoop outside for a smoke and to call her apt again. still no answer. i figured it was pointless to leave another message, so i didn’t. i finished my Eckerd’s soda and went back inside to look around more.

inside the deli/market, i walked around a bit but quickly found a spot in front of the food counter to stand in semi-permanently after realizing i was being watched. i hate that. it wasn’t even a suspicious ‘what’s she up to?’ kind of watch, i just don’t like eyes following me. i had my mind set on some sort of grilled chicken blt wrap, but the grill seemed to be closed. the guys who worked there were just standing around waiting to serve people, but i hate that more than workers being too busy to notice you. i was too shy to ask about the grill and draw attention to myself, then took so long deciding if i wanted a turkey sandwich or not that i just lost any courage altogether. i figured i’d buy some chips or something. so i went to the back of the store, but nothing got my gastric juices bubbling. i think i was in a mixed state of confusion, worry, and anger that kept me from realizing how hungry i was. but i did buy G a bag of soy chips so she’d have something to eat real quick when she showed up. by then it was around 10:40pm. i called her apt again. still no answer. so i went outside for another smoke. maybe she didn’t get the phone message, but she should’ve known to check for my email reply, right? so i decided to see if she was waiting for me outside of the knitting factory instead. it, too, was on leonard street, so wouldn’t that have been something if we were both in the area waiting for each other. of course, leonard street had to be under construction like all hell. and it’s still raining. yay. i saw the people hanging outside the venue for the same show i was to see and suddenly got pumped. woo hoo, love is all! but… no sign of G there either. okay, fuck this… there had to be a mcdonalds in the area for a quick mcnugget fix before i went back to the broadway deli. instead of being smart and walking back towards canal, i decided to walk away from it towards chambers street. i did find a mcdonalds, but it had closed for the night. drat. i must have circled the same four blocks enough for people to think i was crazy and still didn’t find a cheap place to grab a hot food item… or that wasn’t a starbucks. i wanted to keep passing the deli in case G was just very late, but it turns out she wouldn’t be showing up at all. i finally stopped back there at 11:05pm and called her apt again. this time some guy picked up before the machine did. i think it was her boyfriend. the same boyfriend i hadn’t met yet, but did send a birthday card to earlier this month when i couldn’t make it to the party G invited me to. i asked him if G was there and he said something to the effect of, ‘um… yeah?’ then he asked who i was as if i had just told him the world would end if he didn’t kill a blue baby ox within the next ten minutes. i told him who i was and again asked if G was there, but more hurriedly. he said, ‘yeah.’ and i said, ‘still?! why hasn’t she left yet?’ and he said, ‘oh, i was supposed to call you. i don’t think she’s coming. she’s passed out.’ i was so fuckin’ pissed off at that very fuckin’ moment that i’m getting pissed off now as i type this. okay, i just took a ciggie drag so i’ll continue.

i was so pissed that i momentarily didn’t care that she wasn’t showing up, just that i wasn’t told sooner. i withheld my cursing and asked why he didn’t call me when he knew he should have. he said it was because he had passed out too. i forget exactly what i said to him after that pathetic explanation, but i know i sarcastically thanked him for not calling and then hung up. instead of picking up physical tickets for the show like i asked her to, G ordered them online and they were under her name w/ some credit card number i didn’t have. i just wanted the night to be over with anyway so i didn’t even care to try buying my own ticket at the door that was just a block away. it was 11:11 so maybe i could catch the 11:41 train home.

oh, did anybody who's now reading this also read my previous myspace post about the throwing muses show last august? you may remember me mentioning how my night was ruined when i had to tend to a friend of mine who was wasted. that friend was G. this isn’t the first time she’s let me down, folks, but i’m not about to list every time she’s wronged me on this page. i’m just citing that last instance to give you an idea why this was the last straw.

i didn’t want to spend money on a cab, so i decided to take the canal street N/R to herald square knowing that the two or so blocks i’d still have to walk could be what made me miss the train. as i walked back up to canal in the rain, i didn’t use my umbrella. i didn’t really wish to be rained on, but i was just pissed and didn’t care. i even stopped along the way to sit down on a different stoop and call another ‘friend’ of mine that i hadn’t seen since that same throwing muses show. if she had picked up, i would have cried like mad and incoherently babbled nonsense that she could only respond to with ‘uh huh’s, ‘oh’s, or ‘i’m sorry’s' without any other word in edgewise. but she didn’t answer, so we were both spared. i stood back up and lit another cigarette for the rest of the walk. i didn’t use the umbrella on my way to Penn from herald square either. i remember thinking that if someone asked me why i was just holding it, i would tell them ‘everything’s broken.’ anger had turned to sadness. surprisingly, though, i did make the 11:41 train just as it was boarding final passengers. which normally would have brightened me up a bit. that rarely happens. i can’t remember the last time i got home before 3am from the city, but the reason i did last night sucks.

did i mention that the mp3 player i bought 2 ½ months ago stopped working the second i walked onto a manhattan street that night? well, it did. it started buzzing and now i can’t turn it off or do anything else. so i didn’t even have music to distract me from my thoughts during the ride home. someone i recently met reminded me that bad nights in nyc are a lot worse than other nights because you still have that long ride home to dwell in. she was right. god knows how badly i wished i had a knife on me or that you could still smoke in the vestibules like in the old days. i got teary-eyed a few times, but i went numb somewhere between the stops at secaucus and linden and just stopped thinking completely. when i got to my car in the new brunswick parking deck, i just sat in it for a while since there was time on the clock before i’d have to pay for another hour. i eventually left, but even in the rain, i didn’t go home right away. i just drove around. my train had gotten in at 12:45. and despite living about 15 minutes away, i didn’t get home until 1:30. which is probably good. the depression i sunk into had passed and any urge i had to harm myself was gone. see? i do make the right decisions sometimes. even if i have to waste expensive gas to do it.

i kinda hoped all that walking in the rain would make me sick today, but i was done with water for the night so i went to bed without taking a bath. and i didn’t care that i was still hungry. fortunately, i’ve gotten better with eating my sorrows away too. however, i did check my email before finally going to sleep. as you can tell, the internet is habit i can’t break just yet.

i’ll get to the final part of this post tomorrow. it’s late. time for sleep. and, yes, i already took my bath.

10/27/06 Part One - The GOOD...

i went to see Lisa Germano for the first time last night in brooklyn and am glad i did. i’ll get to that in a minute.

i had an overzealous night of music planned. first, lisa germano in brooklyn @ 8pm, then off to meet a friend for food before catching the second of two Love is All shows at Knitting Factory at 11pm! packed in a bit too tightly, you say? yes, maybe. but i figured i’d be fine cuz i’m a fuckin’ superhero.

i left home a bit later than i wanted to and had to catch the 6:20 train leaving from the new Brunswick train station. well, that’s when it should have left. in typical already-late-as-it-is fashion, it was running 15 minutes behind and managed to lose about ten more minutes on its way to Penn. and wouldn’t ya know, i showed up at Barbes at exactly 8:21 for an 8pm show. (thanks nj transit! actually, that arrival time was a miracle, as i usually get lost even on my way to places i’ve already been to. let me take the opportunity to pat myself on the back for not doing so to a place i’d never been to before. PAT PAT PAT. hey! not so hard. pat? ok, that’s better.)

at Barbes, i paid ten bucks for some guy w/ a black marker to draw on my hand, indicating my allowed entrance into their tiniest of performance spaces. but first... a drink! i decided not to consume alcohol until after i ate and just ordered a diet pepsi. the waitress brought over a diet coke and asked if it seemed too weak. i took my first sip and told her that it did, but that it was fine since i was thirsty as all hell. perhaps i should have kept that fragility to myself, as it left her feeling guilt-free in charging me 3 bucks for it before then informing someone that they needed more diet coke. glad i could help, Barbes. thanks for the ice water.

i walked through the red velvet drape that separated the bar from the ‘music venue.’ that’s pretty much all the walking i had to do. there was no room to go except that first step in. the tiny space was packed and i couldn’t see shit. well, it sounded like lisa, but i wasn’t sure. unfamiliar w/ the song being sung, i simply peeked my head out of the drape and asked the ‘doorman’ if that was, indeed, lisa that was already on. it was. again, thanks nj transit. i liked what i was listening to, but not being able to see any part of what might have been a stage or who was on it was so disheartening that i almost thought to ask for a discount on ticket price… at least for being the only participant in their coke taste challenge. but i quickly remembered that i’m not the type to cause such a fuss and stewed in my disappointment for a bit until i realized to just enjoy being in the presence of lisa germano: LIVE. so that’s what i did. i don’t like taking pictures when nobody else is, but i managed to steal 5 or 6 shots whenever i felt a jolt of boldness. sir PepBoyBigHead stood a few people in front of me and was the main reason i couldn’t see anything, but he eventually moved over enough for me to personally confirm that lisa was actually there. that was nice. until the woman in front of me decided to remove her jacket. granted, it was getting warm in there, but i was massively unprepared for the hearty musk her disrobement thrust up my nostrils. damn! how thick was her denim jacket to prevent such a foul stench from escaping the armpits of b.o. hell? i’m not kidding, folks. the smell burned my eyes. i would’ve given her the refund i deserved for the coke challenge just to put her jacket back on. but, i digress.

good tunes, good times. the show ended early around 9:20 to allow enough time for schmoozing before the 10pm show. as the crowd parted, i saw someone i’ve kept in touch with since meeting him at a metric show a year ago. he’s a spaz. no, not really. well, maybe. but he’ll probably be reading this and i want him to see me say so in print. he knows what i’m talking about. yes, you still look good and cute. i bet five pennies that, although my phone number is now in your cell, my name isn’t. oh! before i forget… happy belated bday to cyprus! she was there too. ok, so i chatted w/ the both of them for a while before going our separate ways outside the venue. lisa was also outside having a smoke. so, before my first visit to Barbes came to an end, i managed to meet her and get an autograph. more good times. it was only drizzling at this point, but a worse rain was soon to come…