10/27/06 Part Three - THE UGLY.

well, it’s sunday. i was sick yesterday and still am, but not bedridden the way i wanted to be. just a little cold. but it’s okay. i chose this. all i wanted was some other reason to feel crappy and now i have it. i haven’t done a damn thing today except this and, earlier, force myself to eat soup. but i think i’ll weather through the harsh wind outside to get some Theraflu just in case (note pun). if i recall correctly, one of the patients coming into work tomorrow just underwent another round of chemo and i don’t wanna risk the chance of my germies gettin’ her.

so… i sent G an email before i logged on here. thank heaven she wasn’t my only reason for coming into the city friday night. or else i would’ve been meaner in my choice of words. i’m a hopeless romantic when it comes to my friends and she is no exception. it’s heartrending to keep going through the same bullshit with G over and over. she always apologizes and i always forgive her, but not this time. not that i even got an apology this time. two days later, i still haven’t heard from her. i know she’s not, dare i say it… dead… because i would feel it. so i have to believe that she was just so beyond wasted that she forgot friday night entirely and thinks we did see each other but can’t remember it. but that doesn’t make sense either. i don’t feel like trying to wrap my brain around it. i’m no stranger to people close to me having addictions. eventually you reach that point where you have to push them away and not be there for them to rely on or bail them out. the ‘rock bottom/tough love’ approach isn’t my favorite, but that’s what it’s come to. i hope it works. i really do.

gee… one by one, all my nyc and college friends seem to be flaking out on me. i hope this trend is nearing its end. seriously. is it me? i haven’t changed. everyone else seems to be changing for the worse. it’s probably me. what the fuck’s wrong w/ me? maybe i should crawl outta my cozy, little anti-social bubble and make more jersey friends. no, that won’t happen either. we’ll see. i can’t seem to control any other aspect of my life, and i’ve been trying too hard lately to hold on to relationships where i was the only one still participating. which sucks. i need someone to be there for me too, but not every one of our friends is the one to talk to about certain things. we each have a role and we each know different things that maybe the others aren’t meant to know. it’s weird how that is. i was going through a very bad time… i can’t remember exactly when, so i’ll just say… a couple of years ago when i cut off communication from everyone. people kept calling and emailing and trying to find out from my mother if i was still alive. i know now how great they are, but of course i didn’t care at the time. didn’t care that they loved me. or that i CAN talk to some of them about anything if i really wanted to. but i don’t. most of them have never held that role for me. i’ve hidden the dark side from them and opening them up to it now just wouldn’t feel natural. so now i don’t have that shoulder to hang my head on when it’s too heavy for me to hold up on my own. and i’m still trying not to revert back to my old habits. so i HAVE to get rid of G. for my own sake. and that’s what i sent her this:

“i really can’t take your shit any more. i really can’t. and don’t ever tell your fucking boyfriend to make a phone call meant for me that you should be the one to make. cuz that phone call will never happen. i’m assuming he was too wasted not to inform you of last night's phone exchange. i won’t bother going into my long, rainy night of worry and anger. do you even know what happened last night or do you just not care? i know you’re not one to not care, so i hope you’re not in trouble. but get some fuckin’ help. i know you’ve tried to better yourself, but maybe now’s the time to try again. i’m sick of crying every time i come back from seeing you (or, in some cases, NOT seeing you). i have enough to cry about, but i’ve been pretty good with that lately. the last time i truly cried was two months ago… during and after the throwing muses show with YOU. hearing you tell me you’ve stopped certain habits but behaving differently is heartbreaking. you make me cry. and half of the time, crying makes me want to ------------, which i’ve been even better about these days than with the tears. this doesn’t seem overly dramatic even to me. cuz it’s the truth. the bottom line is that i need to not be around you for a while for my own sake. you know i’m having a tough time at home and look forward to going to shows or seeing my friends or doing anything to get away from it all. it’s not that i don’t mind worrying about you. friends do that. but i can only do so much worrying before i want to bash my fuckin’ head into a wall just for the physical pain to distract me from an emotional one. god knows how badly i want to ----------- sometimes, but i try to remember that things really aren’t any better after i ---------- despite me feeling better. ------------. i try to think of my niece and how i wouldn’t know what to say to a 4 year old who asks about the scars i have. i wouldn’t know what to say to her because children take things so literally and i don’t have a good enough explanation for her just yet. ‘aunt p doesn’t know how to handle her depression sometimes’ just doesn’t sound like a reason that would end the conversation right then and there.

every loss takes time and tears to get over. i’m pretty sure i’ve hit my tears quota when it comes to you, so right now… i just need time. time without you in my life. i’m not completely dismissing you. but just thinking about how often you disappoint me could set off an enragement. so please don’t call my cell phone. i won’t answer. and for your own sake, do NOT call my home number. and don’t leave messages. i won’t listen. don’t email. i won’t read them. i’ll get back to you when i think i can handle you better. i know i’m going to miss you cuz i miss you already. but I’d rather not see you at all than see you the way you are now. just take care of yourself. i hope you get this, but don’t reply. just get better. do whatever it takes to get better. i’m trying to do the same. i hope to return to our friendship sooner than later. but for now, as cruel and selfish as it may sound, i just need you to leave me alone. you owe me more than that.”

so that's that. to top it all off, i’m stuck with the bag of soy chips i got her. i wouldn't eat that shit on fear factor. anybody want it? it’s lying on my bed. maybe i'll hand it out for halloween. hmm, why don't i donate an expired can of peas to a food drive while i'm at it? fine, i'll just throw the chips out. it'll be symbolic.


ETA: it's sunday night. i know for a FACT that G is up and running. but she still never bothered to call me before i sent that email, which was all of yesterday and earlier today. i officially wash my hands clean of this mess... NOW.